just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
