I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
