I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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