That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
