i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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