You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
