Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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