apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
