I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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