Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
