I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
