He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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