Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize