I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
