I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
