Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
