Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
