I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
