hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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