I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
