Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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