nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
How's work?
Spinning.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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