There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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