I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
