I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
