i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
