they need to just BURY HIM!
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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