I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This house was built for laser tag.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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