one two three fourrrrnication!
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
