I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
