im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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