Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Let's get the cat blown out
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
