i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
