Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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