I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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