I am midnight drunk by noon
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
