oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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