If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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