two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
