Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
