You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
