Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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