she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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