did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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