and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
