Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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