I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
