I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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