so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
