I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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