Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
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