OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
