I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
