you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
