eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
