So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize