i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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