I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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