The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I wish you could order shots online.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
