Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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